Ambivalent Muse

Today was sunny and nice. Well, nice by Minnesota standards–it was in the mid 50s (Farenheit) today. Warm enough to hang out in a sweatshirt with no jacket. I even sat on the deck for a while this afternoon to get some sun and enjoy the day.

I wasn’t sure if I’d get any photography done, however. I sprayed weed killer on the dandelions in my front yard earlier in the day, and it wore me out. I just didn’t feel like going anywhere. Except when the early evening rays of sun stretched across my yard, the richness of the light called to me, and I couldn’t help myself. I got out the tripod my dad gave me for Christmas, and went out to see if the leaves emerging on my maple tree would make a good subject. They did, and here are the best of the bunch.

All of these were taken with my Nikon D-40 using the kit lens (55-200mm) with a +3 macro filter attached. What a difference a tripod makes in getting nice, crisp focus:

Here’s a cropped version, honing in on the leaf. Aren’t the colors gorgeous? Every bit as beautiful as fall when you look closely enough:

And here are some leaf buds just beginning to open:

It’s easy to take your own back yard for granted and think nothing exotic lives there. When you look at familiar surroundings with fresh eyes and a different perspective, however, it can be every bit as intriguing as travelling to a foreign land.

Apparently, I’m still tired. I almost typed “Rentil and Lice Soup” for the title. Now doesn’t that sound appetizing?

It’s cold, cloudy, and rainy here in Minnesota today, and I’m tired. Therefore, I didn’t go out to photograph anything. I thought about going to the zoo to at least see the indoor exhibits, but it’s a long drive, and I’d really rather go on a nice day after they’ve started their raptor shows for the season. So I went grocery shopping instead. I spent $55 for four small bags of groceries, and that’s after deciding to substitute brown rice for half the chicken I was planning to put in the soft taco filling I’m making. Ouch.

I also looked at the $4 price tag on the lunchmeat I usually buy and decided to have soup for lunches this week instead. There are much cheaper lunchmeats, but they have nitrates and nitrites in them, which are supposed to be a cancer risk, and I think they were also recently implicated with heart and lung problems. So I buy the (pricey) Hormel Natural brand that doesn’t have additives–just meat. I always wonder if it costs so much more because they use better cuts of meat, or if it costs so much more because people like me will pay for it. Well, with food prices the way they are, I decided homemade soup would do instead. So here’s the recipe:

Lentil and Rice Soup (dairy-free, of course)

Toss all of the following into a crock pot and cook on high until the lentils are done–about 4 to 5 hours.

• 4 cups chicken broth (make sure it’s dairy-free–some brands contain whey)
• 1 cup lentils (rinsed)
• 1/2 cup brown rice
• 1 cup chopped carrots
• 1 medium onion, chopped
• 1 cup shredded meat - I use pork or chicken that I’ve cooked, shredded, and frozen earlier
• 1 Telma vegetable soup cube or 2 tsp other seasoning
• dash of salt to taste

Enjoy!

Like everyone else, I’m horrified by what’s going on in Myanmar. How can a government refuse to take action or accept aid while its people suffer? Reading this article felt like reading 1984-ish fiction, except it’s all too real:

Today the New Light of Myanmar, a state-run newspaper, featured a picture of the prime minister handing out aid.

The relief he distributed: TVs and DVD players.

The only problem: The area he visited hasn’t had electricity since the cyclone arrived.

I have to admit, I Googled last night to read about this story in the Australian news. I wanted to see if Myanmar really was refusing almost all aid, or if I was just reading US spin on the situation. The Australian news reads just like the US news.

At what point does the world decide it’s ok to go in and overthrow a country’s government in order to save its citizens from dying of such cruel and bizarre neglect? This is Nero fiddling while Rome burned. Except it’s not some pithy phrase tossed out to make a colorful point. It’s real.

Dang, I’m wiped out and glad it’s Friday. I don’t think I’ll even get a walk or a bike ride in this evening. I could fall asleep right now if I allowed myself to, and it’s only 6:30 pm. But hey, I made it through another workday and managed to smile, laugh, and feel ok about life. May the trend continue.

I really wanted to get out this weekend to do some photography, but the weather isn’t looking very cooperative. My energy levels certainly aren’t, although a good night’s sleep might solve that problem. If I do go somewhere, I think it will be close to home.

Here are a couple of pictures I took at Interstate State Park, Minnesota, about two years ago. The park is along the St. Croix River near Stillwater. It’s called Interstate, because there is a park on the Wisconsin side of the river as well. These pictures were taken with my Kodak EasyShot, or whatever the heck it’s called, so the images aren’t as good as what I get with my Nikon D-40.

There was a wedding party on this ferry:

One of the interesting things about the park are these kettles (I think that’s what they’re called). At some point back in history, the river was a lot higher. The kettles were formed by harder rocks being swirled by the river over the softer rock, which caused the harder rock to act like a drill. Sorry, that’s not the most scientific of explanations, but I never took geology:

While I was at the park, there were dozens of cedar waxwings (birds) flying around underneath the bridge. If I had owned my Nikon back then, I might have gotten some decent shots. As it was, they were too small, fast, and far away for my point and shoot. I was so bold as to ask a man who was watching them through binoculars if I could take a look, and he obliged. It was neat to see them zipping around, and I’ve always wanted to go back some spring to see if they’re there again.

In any case, I hope I get some more pictures this weekend. If I do, I’ll post one or two of my favorites.

I felt happy today–really happy–for the first time in a couple of weeks. I didn’t even have that “how much longer can I stand the tech industry” feeling. We’ll see how long that lasts, but it was nice, so I hope it does. In any case, part of the reason for this change in outlook is that I’m taking a break from writing my novel. I need to recharge my creative batteries, and with work so intense, I was feeling stretched way too thin.

So what have I been doing instead? Taking walks and bike rides. I try to get out of the house every day, even if it’s just a walk around the block. There have been a couple of warm, sunny days that inspired me to longer rides, though, and I relish those. What a relief to be free from the grip of winter.

I’ve also been watching more movies and reading a bit more. Sometimes, it’s nice to be the passenger and not the driver. Unlike some writers, I don’t find it hard to turn off my inner editor, and I can read to enjoy without analyzing the nuts and bolts of the writing itself. Eventually, I’ll feel so inspired by someone else’s story that I’ll want to work on my own. That will happen in its own time. It always does.

As for photography, I hope to get out and do some this weekend. I’m more interested in this blog now that I’m posting pictures. Not every post has to be something significant. Keep it simple–like this picture, one of the first I ever took when I bought my camera:

I realize most people groan at the thought of balancing their checkbooks, but I’ve always liked it. That has nothing to do with whether I have a decent paycheck coming in or not–I was meticulous even when living on $14k a year as a student. I like math, and I guess I like knowing where I stand. Even when where I stand isn’t very lucrative. I can make do with very little, and I’d rather not buy things I can’t afford. I hate the feeling of being owned by my belongings, and I don’t understand how the average American sleeps at night.

What frightens me is retirement, though. Oh, I love the thought of not having to work in the tech industry. But the thought of not having any income, and perhaps not having the physical ability to work at all, scares me. Mainly because, like most people, I have precious little saved for retirement. I’m too dang busy trying to pay off and fix up the house.

The way I see it, people who aren’t Baby Boomers have pretty much been cut loose to fully fund their own retirements. We keep hearing that Social Security is in trouble, yet nothing is done to fix the problem. Instead, we keep pumping billions into wars. The government is no better at financial planning than private individuals. I don’t count on ever seeing much, if any, money out of Social Security. If I do, it will be a nice windfall.

Having a good job isn’t going to save you, either. Gone are the days of a pension plan. In fact, I’m not so sure I’d feel safe if I did have a pension plan, given that they seem to incoveniently disappear after retirement.

If you’re lucky, you have an employer that contributes up to 3% of your salary into a 401k. 3% seems to be the average, at least around here. There are a couple of employers who pay much higher. Mine pays lower. The most I can get from my employer is a whopping 1.25%. It used to be 3%, but then the company was bought by a venture capitalist that decided investing in the future of the company mattered more than the future of the employees.

For complicated reasons, I choose to stay, even though I’ve thought of leaving over this issue. Really, even 3% of your salary isn’t much money, when you get down to it. And it’s downright scary if you aren’t sure that any Social Security is coming your way and you wonder if Medicare will even be around.

To be fair, though, my company does offer a good health plan. At least for now. Given the way premiums keep going up, I wonder how much longer that can last. I think we are in for some very difficult times and choices in society when it comes to healthcare. I strongly suspect that our economy is already overburdened by the cost. How does anyone manage to start a small business anymore? How does anyone manage to be self-employed? I think health insurance puts a drag onto the entreprenurial spirit, and we need people starting new businesses in order to maintain economic health.

When my employer dropped its matching rate on the 401K plan, I stopped contributing. I decided to work on paying off the house instead. Still, that can’t continue forever. At some point, I need to save for retirement. Given that I am not sure how much longer I can stand the tech industry, I think I have to consider that there is a pretty severe paycut coming my way in the next few years.

Actually, I want the hell out now. I have to ask if a decent paycheck is worth being this stressed out and unhappy. In the short term, it is worth it, I suppose, if it helps me with financial goals. In the long term, this is an insane way to live. I’m just not sure how to step off the damn merry-go-round, however.

I stayed home sick today. Just thoroughly burned out and exhausted and needed to try to catch up on some sleep. Once I woke up, I figured out how to get into my 401K account, and I did some adjusting. One of those adjustments was to start making contributions again, starting with my next paycheck. Given that the stock market has been down, this is a good time to leap in again.

Looking over my finances made me feel a little happier and more in control. These days, I scruitinize them to decide if I can quit my job or not. I keep drawing the conclusion that I could get by in the short run if I do, but my worry about being able to get by further down the road keeps cropping up. So there is satisfaction in putting a little toward retirement. Not much, but some.

In any case, I failed to win the lottery last weekend. I did get the Powerball right on one of my five draws, which means I won $3. Woohoo! I’m only $2 in the hole on my stupid tax.

I took this picture about a year ago when I first bought my digital SLR, a Nikon D-40. I was so excited for the weekend to come so I could go out and play with my new toy. When the weekend finally arrived, it brought with it heavy fog in the morning. Rather than be discouraged by the difficult conditions, I decided to see what I could do in a world where I couldn’t see much. I was pleased with the results. In some ways, the fog created a nice backdrop that helped draw attention to the subject matter.

This is one of my favorites from that morning, taken from a public park that has a boardwalk going through a cattail marsh:

It’s been a horribly stressful day. I just can’t seem to get caught up at work, and no sooner did I think I was on top of a complex task than my internal customer added another layer of complexity. He’s in Australia, and in order to get this bit of bad news, I had to call from home after my work day ended. Not exactly conducive to unwinding after a difficult day, but at least evening calls are not a regular occurance.

I just can’t keep stressing over this stuff, though. It’s not going to get any easier. So to decompress, I took a walk around the neighborhood, listening to my iPod. Then I decided to pick out a picture to post. I’d like to go somewhere nice this weekend to take more photos, but I’m not sure I’ll have the energy after this week. Second best is to enjoy the pictures I’ve already taken, and I’m feeling a little more relaxed already, remembering that misty morning.

It turns out that there is something even more boring than blogging. That something is hanging out on a group that has decided to ban socializing. I mean, sure, the primary draw for hanging out there is to talk about the topic of the group. However, I enjoyed a mix of participating on topic and having one forum for socializing. Now that socializing isn’t allowed, I find myself less interested in the on-topic stuff too. I guess it’s too much like being at my day job where it’s all work and no fun. That group just isn’t *fun* anymore.

So until I find a new place to hang out, I guess I might as well talk to myself. Er, make some blog entries, that is. I am not going to selfishly hoard my boredom. No, I am quite willing to share with others. And if someone wants to leave an off-topic comment–even if it’s a boring one–they’re more than welcome to do so.

I’m not kidding about the boring part. I honestly have nothing interesting to say at the moment. So maybe I’ll just post a picture of an ibis that I took while I was in Florida visiting family. To my Minnesotan eyes, an ibis is an exotic and wonderful bird. Lest the natural-looking background and pose decieve everyone, however, I will mention that this was one of many ibis (ibises? ibisii?) hanging around a city park eating bread right along with the mallard ducks. Still, I took pains to get a shot where it looks like I’m not surrounded by concrete, and a lot of what passes for “nature” photography involves captive animals, anyway. Hope you enjoy the results:

One of the things I miss now that I have a dairy allergy is the no-bake cheesecake recipe I used to make in the summer. I tried a tofu cheesecake once, and wasn’t pleased with the results. What tastes much better to me is this recipe that I’ve adapted from a non dairy-free cheesecake recipe I found somewhere on the net. Unfortunately, I no longer have a link to the original.  The directions below make a smooth, dense cheesecake that is rich and filling. Enjoy!

Ingredients:

• 1 Dairy-free graham cracker crust - extra serving size is nice, but not necessary
• 1 pkg Tofutti Better Than Cream Cheese
• 1/2 c Tofutti Sour Supreme
• 1/2 c sugar
• 1/4 c cocoa
• 1 egg
• 1 tsp almond extract
• 1 can cherry pie filling

Directions:

Beat cream cheese, sour cream, and sugar until smooth. Add cocoa, egg, and almond extract and beat until blended. Pour into crust. If you use an extra-serving crust, the filling will not go to the top, but that’s ok, because it leaves room for the cherry pie filling.

Bake 25 minutes at 350 degrees until center is just set. Remove from oven and cool for 30 minutes. Cover and refrigerate overnight. If you used an extra-serving crust, spread with the cherry pie filling before cutting. Otherwise, top each slice with cherry pie filling when serving.

I look forward to the Kentucky Derby each May–have since I was a kid. Although I don’t follow horse racing, I love horses, and there is something about the race that draws me. I still remember Seattle Slew winning the Triple Crown in 1977. I combed the newspaper for days and cut out every single picture I could find of him to hang on my bedroom wall. He was an American hero, albeit of the four-footed variety.

When Dan Fogelberg released his song Run for the Roses, it brought a lump to my throat every time I heard it. For years, you were sure to hear it on tv at some point during the Derby coverage, and I’d mist up. Fogelberg sings of the promise and power in horses, and it’s that raw power, that graceful strength, that draws me to them. Whenever I watched the Derby, I imagined myself running along with those horses, and my spirit would soar with excitement.

My excitement dampened somewhat after Barbaro died. I had such hopes that he would be the next Triple Crown winner, and grieved along with so many others when his leg shattered. That was the first I realized that it’s not uncommon for racehorses to break down and have to be put down. The realization took some of the thrill and joy out of the sport.

Still, I turned on the Derby this year as always. I was amused that Big Brown was the favorite, because that’s my nickname for the neighbor’s dog. And even though I didn’t feel quite the same level of excitement as in years past–Barbaro was on my mind–I still enjoyed watching the race. Until it finished, that is, and Eight Belles, the filly who came in second, was suddenly down. Both of her front ankles broke after the race and she had to be euthanized right there on the track.

Dang, I thought. Not again. The happiness was sucked right out of me, seeing that horse lying on her side. I couldn’t feel excited about Big Brown or hope that maybe he’ll win the Triple Crown. All I could wonder was whether this is entertainment–to enjoy a sport where the participants die on a regular basis.

I’m not some kind of animal rights activist. I have no problems with the responsible use of animals. I think within certain ethical bounds, it’s ok to use some species for medical research. I think it’s ok to eat meat (quite tasty, in fact). I think it’s ok to own pets and to participate in equine sports. But I think it’s ok to do those things provided the animals are treated humanely.

The slaughter of horses for meat does not bother me. Provided they are treated humanely, I see nothing wrong with that. Many horses are livestock, after all, and not someone’s pet. But to race them for sport when there is such a high chance of serious injury bothers me. It starts looking more like a blood sport and less like a celebration of equine speed and power. If I had made money off of Eight Belles’ win, it would feel tainted to me. I turned a profit on something that killed an animal.

Accidents happen, but the frequency with which severe breakdowns occur in horse racing is no accident. Is the problem the track surface? Partially, from what I’ve read. Is it that we’re racing them too young? Breeding them for speed but not strength? Both of those appear to be factors, from what I’ve read, and I think that’s wrong. Those things are under human control, and to fail to do something about those factors is irresponsible and inhumane. We are breeding them to be disposable, and using them too young. Throwaway horses.

Until horseracing cleans up its act, I’m not so sure I want to watch it anymore. I was really looking forward to the Derby today. I thought it would be something fun to enjoy and make me feel happy. Instead, I just feel sad and depressed. I’m not sure I’d feel any joy if Big Brown won the Triple Crown. I’ll just be wondering how many horses died on the track trying to produce a Triple Crown winner.